Attempt #362

 December 2020

I gave up on the individual journals for each child pretty much after Oliver.  I realized I didn't really write in anyone's journal unless they were a newborn baby, after I started foster care.  The guilt of this realization will eat at me for the rest of my life. So many little memories lost.  Luckily even though I stopped writing, I never stopped taking videos and pictures.  So, not as many memories lost as could have been.  

The the title of this blog---Emily Remembers.  I just want to write down thoughts and feelings that I want to remember.  I always try this in little notebooks, but it never lasts very long.  So many good intentions, that prove unrealistic far too often.  I need to learn to make smaller goals--so maybe my only goal right now is to finish this entry.:)

I have had a lot of anxiety over so many things lately.  Unknown court appeals from Monica, making sure I have the house in order, organizing Christmas, remembering to not forget anyone, making sure I give enough--are just of a few of the stresses.  Many of these things have been fun in the past, but this year I just feel so overwhelmed...but not enough to want to not do them.  I keep adding more and more, because I truly want to.  My body is rebelling and I'm losing my mind (and temper)way more than usual.  The tightness in my chest feels impossible to overcome---a mess in the corner impossible to get through...yet I keep getting through, and keep overcoming.  Sometimes barely, but I do it.  This has not been without immense help. Both physical and spiritual.  So many tender mercies from my Heavenly Father.  Simple, little things, that I KNOW are meant for me.  Shopping for a family in need made so much easier when item after item was found on the shelves of only a couple stores.  No coincidences were were had, I know He was helping me all the way.  I keep telling my Heavenly Father in pleading prayers that I can't do anymore---but I keep doing more, because He is helping me.  I fall apart too much.  I'm embarrassed.  But I keep putting myself back together, and trying again.  

The piles won't stop.  The to-do lists won't get any shorter.  My life isn't going to be easy in some ways.  But because of all of this--my life has been so easy in so many other ways.  I acknowledge this and I acknowledge Him in every part of my life.  I am so grateful for all the reminders he sends to help me remember He loves me and I'm not alone.  He also reminds me that whatever he asks of me--is possible.  My life is for him.  I want to do whatever he wants me to do.  But I'm only human---I need to be kinder to myself, give myself a break.  Im trying to do God's work in a human body and its really really hard!  

2020 is almost over.  I don't think  I can call it my hardest year, or my best year.  But I can definitely call it one of the most memorable years ever.  Heres to 2021!  My hope is that the pandemic can end, the girls adoption can be finalized, and that a I will Hear Him always.